OuLiPoem # 37

My spice rack's lacking cinnamon:
of condiments the clinamen.

Declaration of Condescendence

 

     Moments after twice-impeached 

former president Donald Drumpf left 

the stage of a campaign rally he had 

held in the museum wing of the 

National Archives, a museum guard 

noticed that the display case housing 

the Declaration of Independence had 

been breached and that the famous 

document had been mysteriously 

altered. 

     "The array of iconic signatures 

made by our Founding Fathers has 

been supplemented by a grotesque 

addition, most likely made by the 

black Sharpie discovered near the 

vandalized case," noted the guard.

      

     NARA has vowed to investigate.

Yo! A Nonsense Lyric Sung by Yolande Bavan

"You've your yoyoing Yogi, 

 your yoyoing Yoda. 

 Yonder's yoyoing Yom Kippur.

 Your Yossarian, yoyoing, 

 yells, 'Hi-yo, Silver!'.

 You've yoyoing Yoko...yeah: her!

      "You've your yoyoing young 

 cryotherapist 

 (yours is yodeling 'sa-yo-na-ra'*).

 You've your yoyoing yoghurt-engorged 

 Dryopithecus; 

 yours yoyos (yoicks!) Yo-Yo Ma.

     "Rev'rend Spooner, while yoyoing, 

 yells, 'Rellow Yose! 

 Mold the hayo, Sosemite Yam!'

 Both those yokels, once through  

 (with their yoyoing, nu...?)

 yodel, 'Yolayheehoo...'

 So: are you -- yabba...doo!** -- 

 B.Y.O.ing your yoyos...?"

     "I am."

     * Unlike in English, Japanese does not employ

stress accent. The effect generally is that each 

syllable receives approximately the same stress.

     ** Truncated version of characteristic comment 

by same Yogi Bear who appears in the first line of 

this lyric.

Yoyoing Yogi

Yoyoing Yoda 

     

     

(More images to come)

The Walternative; or, Our Faults Aren't In Our Stars But In Our Avatars

Walter Disney draws a rodent. 

Walter Lantz...? He draws a bird. 
Walter Kelly draws a swampful -- 
feather'd, weather'd, scaled 'n' furr'd. 
     Walter Carr draws souls of black folk, 
folk who look a lot like him. 
Walter Simonson draws Thor,
performs the chore with nimble vim. 
     Walter Handelsman draws pols
as well as Pulitzer's applause. 
McDougall, Walter, draws, with L. Frank's aid,
oddballs from Oz. 
     There've been so few unsuccessful 'toons
from fellas nicknamed Walt.
If my cartoons fail but I'm call'd Dale,
how's such defeat my fault...?

Memento Mori (If Not Today, Tomorry)

There was Juan de Capistrano,
sev'ral Als -- Capone 'n' Capp. 
There was Gabriele Cappellini, 
famous painter chap. 
There've been hordes whose handles 
start with 'Cap,' 
tho' few remain afoot. 
Whether knee-capp'd or decapitated,
most be now kaput. 

Visits

Visits; or, 

Von fremden -Landern und Menschen (Of Foreign -Lands & Peoples)

Ackland visits Beulah Land, a stopover signaling the actor's final role, that of Christian in a film version of The Pilgrim's Progress. 

November 19th, 2023, rows Ackland, Joss,

an actor (BAFTA nominee), life's moaning bar across.

[Aside to Ackland's kids -- all three: So sorry for your loss.]

      Evacuating Beulah Land, Joss wades, waist deep, Death's River.

Some pools are shallow; more, profound; cold water makes him shiver.

He'll reach, though, New Jerusalem: his mate's The Great Forgiver.

Boland visits Candyland, a sojourn showing La-la Land's own Mary, though unmarried and without children, still enjoys her sweets.

Sits Lady Catherine de Bourgh at Snobdom's apogee...?

She does -- tho' Mrs Bennet's just as uppity as she.

When querying Jane Austen fans, you'll find few disagree:

Ms Boland nails Miss Austen's Mrs Bennet to a T.

     Tho' bars earmark'd for lesbians today no longer thrive,

they did in Mary's heyday -- circa 1945.

One favor'd spot was Candyland, where Boland would contrive

to play the part of Sappho to Tallulah's carpet dive.

Cartland visits Disneyland, a tryst wherein the prolific novelist 

secretly liaises with a certain loquacious rodent.

Pink 'n' blondine Barb'ra reign'd Regina of Romance.

She'd seven hundred novels up her sleeve (or down her pants),

for each of which this pink-plumed lich procured a plump advance.

     But dough weren't all to Cartland. Gloriosky! Heavens, no!

She kept a flat in Disneyland where, weekends, Barb'ra'd go

to tete-a-tete with Mickey Mouse. (Bragg'd Barb, "Young Mick's me  beau.")

 

Dowland visits Elfland, an appointment which finds the Renaissance composer asking Carroll's Sylvie and her brother Bruno for "a little help."

Melancholy John (dubb'd "Doleful Dowland," after all)

reign'd Prince of the Pavane: he spun a ton -- none folderol.

Imagine my surprise, then, when he penn'd a barcarole...

     ...which "carol" Dowland "bark'd" as he "embark'd" aboard his "barque"

to wend his way to Elfinland wherein to make his mark.

(Young Brun' 'n' Sylvie's Agéd P is Elfland's patriarch.)

  

Ekland visits Flatland, wherein a short soiree in A. Square's two-dimensional space distorts the zaftig Swede's own fuller dimensions.

"I'd fain to frolic free through Flatland," Ekland's wont's to say.

"My husbands warn me not to, but I've got to find a way...

...if not this week, this month, this year, I will do, one fine day."

     And, as you know, she'd fin'lly go, accomp'nied by A. Square,

the selfsame schnook who wrote the book; 'twas Square who squired her there --

tho' all he'd git of busty Britt were disks -- indeed, a pair.

Falkland visits Graceland, where the kitchen staff promises to address the viscount's craving for the King's favorite breakfast sandwich.

"A loaf of bread," the sous-chef read. "Is this The Rubaiyat...?

No 'wilderness'...? No 'wine'...? Confess: The Rubaiyat it's not."

"You unctuous oaf, a Fool's Gold Loaf," said I. "That's what you've got."

    The Viscount Falkland's frequent talk oft hawk'd just such cuisine.

"With bacon, bread, banana spread, with grape jam in between,

a jar of Jif...'tis all ours IF at Graceland we convene."

Garland visits Houyhnhnmland, booking the vessel Gulliver sailed while referencing a vehicle of her own -- a movie without Munchkins.

As Gumm, she visits Vaud'ville,* with her sisters joining forces.
As Gale, she trods Ozopolis, whose founder Baum, of course, is.
As Garland, so some stories go, she "had a thing for horses."
     "For years I plann'd that Houyhnhnmland be view'd," neighs Judy, prating.
"-inavia, Scand-...? Or Samarkand...? A bore -- unstimulating.

A ship's required...? The Ant'lope's** hired: this child's so-o-o-o tired of waiting."

     * Not the ville of Vaud but a type of entertainment featuring burlesque songs and dances.

     ** The merchant ship Gulliver sails aboard on his first voyage. 

The boat Garland books is, of course, Antelope II, commissioned after its namesake is lost at sea.  

Howland and Holland visit Iceland...

Walt Kelly's fowl -- one Howland Owl -- joins Oscar's offspring Vyv.
They wend their way towards Iceland's Bay,* like Jumblies, in a sieve.

"We'll disembark," the pair remark, "when's found the place to live."

     "The land we'll need must (please, me heed!) o'erflow with mead," vows Vyvyan.

"May digs we build with figs be fill'd! And have a lav (a privy) in,"

returns the bird. "You mark my word: our lair I'll ne'er be skivvy in."

     * Hvalfjoddur...? Djupivogur...? Kopasker...? The verse isn't specific.

Ireland visits Jutland...

Will Ms. Ireland visit Jutland or will Jutland visit Jill...?
(Will the hill approach Mahomet or will he approach the hill...?
Will she and he pour herbal tea...? And which of 'em will spill...?)

     "The beast that's Norway/Sweden seems about to bite, perhaps,

the snack that's Jutland -- or at least it looks so on my maps,"

announces Jill. "Yet go I will...before ol' Gabe blows taps." 

Land (sic), Land (sic) and Landon (sic) visit Kenorland...

Jenny, John 'n' Jack (et al.), by any other name --

say, 'Lind' or 'Lund' or 'London' -- would, no doubt, remain the same.

Their new-name spree's a mystery. So: what might be their aim...?

     These three long plann'd of Kenorland le tour de grande to take.

Then Gower* claim'd, "To be renamed an effort you must make:

In Kenorland, real names be bann'd; each passport must be fake."

     * Charles F. Gower (full footnote to come) 

Kirkland visits Legoland... 

"I understand that Legoland some man call'd Kirk* did build
in Billund's sticks** of plastic bricks. This bloke (no joke!) was skill'd.
Mark'd such its birth. Now much of earth with Legolands*** is fill'd."

     "'Tis nothing new. I'm call'd Kirk, too," Ken's heard, on cue, to say. 

"And Kens call'd 'Kirk' don't duty shirk. With us, more work, less play.

In Legoland I'll plant my grand.**** Once there, my plan's to stay."

     *Full footnotes to come

Lackland visits "...my land..."*

His brother, Richard Lionheart, sheds blood in holy lands

while Eleanor of Aquitaine, his mom, her clout expands

and he himself capitulates to barons' fair demands.

     "Few feudal fiefs be left to me; what are be scrubs 'n' sands,"

moans John, once 'once 'n' future dunce.' "Of them I wash my hands.

But lands which Woody sings about...? Those prove he understands."

     * I.e., from the redwood (not Sherwood) forests to the gulf stream 

(not For Britain far-right party founder Anne Marie) waters. 

Moreland visits Nyasaland...

"I'm Mantan call'd. I'm black. I'm bald. I've Marty Feldman eyes.*

What gigs I got...? Just nigrahs' lot. I soon this plot surmise.

Where'd thrive my brand...? Nyasaland, I've come to realize,

     a place where people look like me. There might there be the chance

to land some parts which vaunt my arts, my stature to advance.

T'allot that spot a shot I've got! (If not, I'll dance in France.)"

     *This condition is called ophthalmos. Some mss here read "Popeye Jackson eyes," referring to a character Alfre Woodard plays in the film "Miss Firecracker." Other mss read "Satchmo Armstrong eyes."

Ned Land visits Opryland

"With a whaling song one 'shant' go wrong. I've sung along a few.
Of 'Dead Man's Chest' and all the rest...? I've sung them shanties, too.

These days such lays bring just malaise: I'm needing numbers new."

     "I'll shout, 'How-DEE!' to Minnie P.* (A mate were she of mine.

Ms. Minnie's hat...? That's where it's at.) I'll channel Patsy Cline.

Pick steel guitar! Hick repertoire: (sic) 'Clemen Darlingtine'**!"

     *Minnie Pearl, with her price-tagg'd hat and "How-DEE!" greeting, 

appeared for 50 years at Nashville's Grand Ole Opry.**Spooner's take on an iconic folk ballad.

Oland visits Poland...

 Orner Woeland visits Poland...? A, E, I, O, U!

Status-Quo Land...? Songs of Roe Land...? Do I...? Deed I do!

So-'n'-So Land...? Toe-to-Toe Land...? Haven't got a clew.

     Undertow Land..? Voh-D'yoh-Doh Land...? Dew-wah-dew-wah-dew!

Tears of Woe Land...? X 'n' O Land...? Yessir! Just a few. 

Yoh-Heave-Hoh Land...? Just Ain't Zoe Land...? (P.S.: I ♥ you.)

The Portlands visit Quirpon Island...

"Aurora's lights! Great whales! Such sights!" these Portland gals agree.
Rene ("Coach") Portland, Portland Hoffa, Portland Mason -- three
who long to Borealis glows and breaching ceti see.

     "But where to go to share said glow...?" the mid-sized Mason mused.

"I know a spot," back Hoffa shot, "where once I summer-cruised."

Rene stood still; she knew the drill. "We three shall be amused."

Sama Chaka Quinland visits The Rhineland...

He sheds no tears. "I'll 30 years do standing on my head..."

boasts SCQ when sentenced to three decades by the Fed.

"...and once I'm done begins the fun. The Rhineland's fine, I;ve read."

     One decade's pass'd. As of May last, the poor young man remains

lock'd up in stir. What plans there were...? Committed to the drains.

"My Rhineland trek...? A rainstorm check I took. So: cue the rains! 

Roland visits Santaland...

Sutherland visits Toyland

Tollund Man visits Uppland

The Ulland Brothers visit Vineland

Diana Vreeland visits Wonderland

Wanda Landowska visits Xland

Xochitl von Laland visits Yorubaland

Yolande Bavan visits Zeeland

Will and Nell Zoyland visit Arnhem Land

     Outlanders: 

Sandra Bland 

Ann Landers

The Common Eland

John Landis 

Michael Landon

Seth Landqvist 

Tom Landry

Ivan Landl (sic)

Orjan Nyland 

     Outlandern:

Gondwanaland

Land-o'-Lakes

Ryker's Island

La-La Land

Mainland

Rusland

     Outlandish:

Thyroid Gland

Ku Klux Klann'd

Chocolate Flann'd 

Salternatives

Salternatives: A Charm City Sonnet

Part One

It's routine hue's not green, not blue: the yellow Bal'mer Salt Box.

But let me introduce to you the Bal'mer Salt Box alt box.

One's home to News's raven muse: the Charlayne Hunter-Gault Box.

Use single straw -- or two (you choose): the Double Choc'late Malt Box.

One holds wa-a-ay more than all its parts: the David Marr Gestalt Box.

The Big One's scaling off the charts: the San Andreas Fault Box.

This octal icon rules the streets: the Reach a Screechin' Halt Box.

This food lab houses serious eats: the Kenji López-Alt Box.

"I'm outta dough; I cannot lie...": the Student Loan Default Box. 

Where P***yGrabster goes to die: the Sexual Assault Box.

 

   

Part Two 

Comics herein limn'd...? The best! The 'Toons by Dudes Dubb'd Walt Box.

(Poe* draws as well...in Berlin West: Poe's Lebensunterhalt Box.)

This serves to store your foreign car: the English say 'Renault' Box.

These contents tell volks who you are: the Mispronounced 'Inhált' Box.

Your bubbe calls it liquid gold: where's 'z'...? Behind the 'Shmalt' Box.

This...? Home to hordes of Barb'rys bold: the '-er, Rock o' Gibrault-' Box.

Medievals used this for their church: the Pitch'd-brick Barrel Vault Box.

Embrace the flip; avoid the lurch: the Triple Somersault Box.  

This holds the tablets of the law: the Thou Shalt Not/Thou Shalt Box. 

Decryptions Turing oversaw: the AI's Alan's Fault Box.

    

 

Codetta 

It's routine hue's nor green nor blue, the Yellow Bal'mer Salt box.

That said, this last one's red: the "I Dictatoheads Exalt!" Box.

    * Ulysses Poe, aka The DMV's Doggerel Dickinson, is a Baltimore

poetaster/illustrator and creator of the texts and images you're presently perusing.

Runcibl'd Spooner

Disabled...? Leave the Lexus here!
Handicapped parking.
Peter, headless, lends an ear:
Pan, de-capp'd, harking. 
     Moral:
Sicken'd...? Start, cue the fright, 

and straight on till mourning.

     (With help from GFH)

Collaboration Horizontal & Pervertical

PWWL is pleased to acknowledge the participation of friend-of-blog JD in creating this item. Collaboration in name, collaboration in process, eh...?

     Then 

Back in Fall of '44, 
once the Boche had botch'd the war,
certain citizens of France were labell'd traitors.

Seems some femmes "made friends" with Fritz --
showin' Huns bared buns 'n' tits.
Folks cried, "whores!" (That -- and, of cours', "collaborators!")

Ev'ry cutie thus accused 
(barely any were excused)

had their crowning glories shaved 'n' shorn 'n' sheared.

Ask'd their barbers, "Need a reason...?

What you turncoats did was treason.

We don't care that, sans your hair, your heads look weird."

     Now 

Likewise, Drumpf's a traitor, who

secret documents withdrew

from the People's House, which people de-elected him,

whence that treasonable lout 

bared 'n' bandied 'em about

to the likes of Putin, Erdogan 'n' Kim. 

What's the punishment Drumpf's due...?

Seems there's little left to do

but to sit that traitor down 'n' shave his head.

Drumpf will look -- no snick'ring, ya'll -- 

like an orange billiard ball.

(Oo-oops! That was Herr Drumpf's real hair -- just like Drumpf said.)

Marriages Made Someplace Else

     Varia 

     Blondie marries Beulah Bondi; 

Dondi weds Mahatma Gandhi.

     Hedy marries Hasan (Medhi);

Giacometti weds Arletty.

     Jesus marries Lisa's nieces;

Edwin Meese weds Reese's Pieces.

     Ma Joad marries Mr. Toad;

Mother Lode weds Rod'rick Spode.

     Rainer Rilke marries Ilka;

Acker Bilk weds Harvey Milk.

     Rumpelstiltskin weds a selkie;

Dexter Filkins weds a welk.

     Dolly Parton weds May Sarton,

Thurston Dart and Clara Barton;

     Sidney Carton marries Areüs

the Agaïd, a Spartan.

     (All were last observ'd departin'

in my car-jack'd Aston Martin.)

     Codetta

     Chuck Schumer marries Boomer* --

or is it Godden (Rumer)...?

     *Norman Julius "Boomer" Esiason 

is a former NFL quarterback.

     (images to come)